


Been Us

by kimzhingstories



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, F/M, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 08:01:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21296165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kimzhingstories/pseuds/kimzhingstories
Summary: You gave up and let him go when he would have stayed.
Relationships: Kim Youngbin/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 13





	Been Us

**Author's Note:**

> Had I known that I would finish the story this month, (November - Youngbin's birth month) I should have written something fluffy and warm. Oh well... I am a lazy amateur writer so here's what I have. 
> 
> This for you, our leader-nim Kim Youngbin. Happy birthday! 
> 
> I swear I am not going to write something full of angst next time. This work drained my life force, I almost do not want to finish it. I am not sure if this turned out well. I think the ending is really confusing so please let me know your thoughts. 
> 
> Let's be friends! If you want to talk more about this, I'm in Twitter: @kimzhing
> 
> Ciao!

“I do not understand why braiding my hair is fun for you.” 

Youngbin frowned when all he got from you was a slight tug on the locks that you are holding to braid his hair. Both of you are in the comfort of his family’s living room, watching the anime series that you both wanted to see so much but had to wait until school is over before taking the time to watch it. It was a Saturday afternoon. As usual, the two of you opted to spend both your time in Youngbin’s house. It has been that way since the first year of junior high school. Now, both of you are in the last remaining months of your final year. 

You are sitting on the sofa while Youngbin is lounging in front of you, his back against your knees as you continue braiding his hair. You love his hair. Not that you will ever tell Youngbin that. From afar, it does not look soft at all. And worse, Youngbin sometimes style it in a messy way. But people have no idea how soft it is to the touch. 

He said he will do anything for you that day because it will be your birthday on Wednesday and you took that as an opportunity to play with his hair. To run your fingers through the soft strands on the pretense that you are braiding it. Even if his hair is really not that long. Alright, fine. You have a crush on Youngbin - since that second year in junior high school when you had the worst haircut in the history of your life and got teased by your classmates to no end because who could blame them? It was really bad. Youngbin must have had enough of it then because he bought a wide handkerchief, formed it into a headband and put it on you. He told you that all the teasing annoyed him and since the two of you are always together, he might as well just do something to shut the people up. He did all those in front of all your classmates. It did silence everybody. Youngbin was the class president, then. The undisputed leader because people in class saw him as someone that is really dependable. He is. When he made that move to shut the raucous caused by your hair, the entire class closed their mouths as your heart started a new type of chaos on it’s own.

So, there’s that. But you never told Youngbin. Nor did anything to show him how you feel. Because telling him might mean losing him. You two have been inseparable for so long now and you have grown accustomed to being with him all the time that you cannot imagine what it would be like without him. Friendship is constant. And so, you will remain as a friend - his best friend. 

“Any plans for Wednesday, Y/N?”

You gasped when Youngbin moved and looked up to you. His head resting on your knees. Your face inches away from his. You felt your pulse quicken and your heart thundered yet, you keep your expression impassive. How you manage to keep reins with your emotions whenever Youngbin does things still amazes you to no end. You scoffed and covered his eyes with your hand. 

“I don’t know. Eat ice cream, maybe. Mom and Dad said we’ll have lunch before they depart again for Japan.”

Youngbin took your hand that’s covering his eyes and held it. “They’re leaving again, huh? No exceptions even if it’s your birthday?” 

You shrugged. It’s not that you are not used to it yet. One of the reasons why you are also spending most of your time with Youngbin and his family than your own. 

“Spend the night with me,” Youngbin blurted out. You only look at him like he has grown some antenna. “What I mean is… let’s go out for dinner on Wednesday. For your birthday.” 

You couldn't help but smile as you gripped Youngbin’s hand tight. “Alright, then.” 

As if you could even say no to Kim Youngbin. 

-0-0-0-0-0- 

**Wednesday; 12:00 AM KST**

“Sent!”

Youngbin felt a sense of happiness wash over him as he stared at the text message that he just sent over to you. 

_Happy birthday, Y/N. I wish that you would smile more this year. You always wear that frown of yours. You are prettier when you smile. See you later! _

For the past four years, Youngbin has never failed to wish you a happy birthday at exactly twelve midnight. He does all sorts of things - played computer games, studied for tests that are not bound to happen, worked out in the middle of the night - just so he can manage to stay awake until midnight. He considers this a small effort. Small - considering all the things that you have done for him. 

Youngbin relaxed on his bed as his mind drifted back to those moments he has spent with you. He is a few months older than you but being the class leader and student council president, he always has a lot on his plate and more often than not, he gets buried in things that he has to do and finish. In all those times, you stood beside him. You stayed beside him when he got crazy mad after that major event under the supervision of the students’ council went into haywire because of the organization’s miscalculation. Back then, nobody ever dared to go near him because one wrong word and he became a troll. He was so embarrassed how something like that happened under his leadership that he kept blaming himself. Then, you came, armed with a bottle of banana milk, amidst the growing tension between the members of the students’ council. He can still remember how you slammed the poor banana milk on his table, making his fellow student leaders tremble. You leaned closer to him, touched his forehead to clear away his hair and flicked his forehead three times, all the while telling him to snap out of it. He did. Of course, he did. He snapped out of his anger and laughed out loud then that his fellow student leaders got even more scared of him. 

Youngbin could not imagine his life without you. He is so used to having you around. You have always been his solace. Always his calm and comfort. Sure, you get crazy sometimes and your mood swings are the worst in the world but those are nothing compared to how you have spurred Youngbin until now. 

You cheered for him through his triumphs and losses. You believed in him when he doubted himself. You kept to his side and because of that, Youngbin feels like he can take on anything. He can take on anything because you are and will always be there for him. Like that time when he left home because, contrary to what people believe, being the youngest among his siblings was burdensome. He felt that he needed to catch up and be at par with what his elder siblings had achieved. It pained him and so he left home. His parents panicked and the first person they reached out to, back then, was you. Just like them, you had no idea where he went. But you joined the search party, spent sleepless nights and skipped attending school. The day you and the rest found him inside a sauna, you punched him in the face and collapsed because of exhaustion. He was beside you when you woke up. He received the biggest lecture of his life, not from his parents, but from you. You told him that feeling insecure and running away would not take him anywhere. That he can do amazing things, great things if he would stop being a ninny and start taking charge of his life. That him being the students’ body president, for two years, was proof enough that he’s amazing at what he does. From then on, Youngbin gained confidence. All because of you. 

His walk down memory lane got interrupted when his phone vibrated. He looked at the caller ID and saw it’s Inseong - the vice president of the students’ council and one of his closest friends. 

“Inseong-ah.”

“Man, you should know that my talent fee is really expensive. And the fact that I stayed up all night for your mushy stuff, that’s double the price.” He heard Inseong yawn. “Everything is ready. Jaeyoon and Taeyang helped out, too. You’ll be broke after this.” 

Youngbin chuckled. “Alright. Alright. I will treat you guys with beef. I promise. Thank you so much for all your help, Inseong-ah. You’ve worked hard. When you get a girlfriend, I will make sure to help you, too.” 

“Stop the cringe-worthy lines, Youngbin. She’s not even your girlfriend.” Inseong suddenly sounded smug. “We helped out because Y/N always saves us from your long lectures. We love her because of that.”

He shook his head. He should have known. After a few more banter with Inseong, Youngbin ended the call. He should get some sleep now. Everything is set. He vowed that he will give you the best birthday and he will make it happen. 

-0-0-0-0-0-

“You have something that you need to tell me, right?”

Youngbin looked up from the slice of cake on his plate and saw you staring intently at him.

The two of you were having dinner on the rooftop that he and the rest of his friends transformed for your birthday. Youngbin prepared everything. They decorated the rooftop with fairy lights and turned it into something from a dream. Sweet music immediately surrounded you when the two of you reached the top and everything looked so perfect. The perfection that would have brought you to your knees because you have always wanted to spend your birthday with Youngbin. Sure, you have spent almost all your birthdays with him ever since the two of you became friends but those were always with yours and his family. This is the first time that you were able to spend it alone with Youngbin. The first time that there is only the two of you.

You love every single moment of it. You truly do. Earlier that morning, you arrived at school and immediately saw Inseong holding a bouquet of pink roses for you. Pink roses are your favorite flowers. During your break after your third class for the day, Jaeyoon intercepted you in the hallway and gave you a lunch box with fried chicken, kimchi dumplings, kimbap and seaweed soup in it. Those were your favorite food to eat during lunch. Halfway through your afternoon classes, Taeyang appeared outside your classroom to hand you three bottles of banana milk, all the while telling you “happy birthday”. Banana milk is your go-to drink. Therefore, you are already having the best day. The surprises did not end there, though. When you stepped out of the classroom after your last class for the day, Youngbin was already outside waiting for you. He held out his hand and you took it; ready to go anywhere Youngbin would lead you to.

However, something has been nagging you for weeks now. Something that you really have no concrete basis as to why it is making you feel on the edge and scared.

You first noticed it when Youngbin started to spend time with you more often than usual. He started picking you up at home so that both of you can go to school together; even going through the lengths of walking you to your classroom. Then, he would once again be there after every class. He has asked you to spend your free time in the students’ council office but you turned him down on that because you are not a student leader and you think that your schoolmates will finally think there is really something going on between you and the students’ organization president if you do that. Plainly said, Youngbin has been unusually clingy and as much as you love spending time with him, it bothered you because you think something is really going on. Something he is not telling you.

He gave you a slight smile that only made your heart thundered. _ Something is really going on. _“You really know me, huh? I can never hide anything from you.”

You put your fork down and held his gaze. “I thought there is no secret between the two of us.”

He shook his head. “This is no secret, Y/N. I am just waiting for the perfect timing.”

_ Perfect timing? _You swallowed; feeling your heart on your throat.

Then, Youngbin gave you his brightest smile. The smile that could light up an entire place. Your favorite smile. “Y/N! This is it! I am going to start training as an idol next month! Inseong, Jaeyoon and Taeyang got accepted, too!”

At that moment, all you wanted was to erase his smile.

Youngbin has always been a talented dancer. His moves were both fierce and graceful. In addition, he has a knack in writing songs and spitting lyrics after lyrics when he is rapping. Aside from being a student leader, Youngbin and his friends are all active in the school’s performing arts. Girls swoon over him whenever he is on stage during school events. Though it annoys you to no end, you understand how those girls feel about him. How can he not be a remarkable sight when he is the president of the council and at the same time, an amazing dancer?

He often told you, mostly through jokes and amidst nonsense talks, that he wanted to go to Seoul in the future. He would become an idol, get famous and, when he will have enough money, he will take you to travel to any parts of the world that you wish to see. It was a beautiful dream that he has shared with you. A beautiful dream yet, now that it is finally taking shape, you cannot bring yourself to rejoice.

Because you know that once Youngbin leaves for Seoul, your lives will never be the same again.

Youngbin saw the myriad of emotions that went through your face that day. At first, it was disbelief, shock and finally, pain. Your smile lackluster and your words robotic when you congratulated him. He felt his world collapsing.

-0-0-0-0-0-

“I think that was not the reaction that you expected to get from me, huh?”

Both of you are already sitting on the front porch of your house. Your head on Youngbin’s shoulder.

“Well, I thought you would be as happy as I am.”

There are no secrets between you and Youngbin. Well, except for how you truly feel about him. How you are so in love but you are just pretending because you do not want to lose him. Telling each other how you feel is second nature to both of you now. Both of you agreed that you are most comfortable with each other when you both let the other know how you really feel.

You sighed as you felt Youngbin’s head rests on yours. You wish you could stay like this, with him, forever.

“I am happy. I am so happy for you. I am just scared.”

“Scared of what?

“That everything will change. Your life will change for sure. Our friendship will change. Our proximity will no longer be like this. Our bond. Everything.”

He draped his arm on your shoulder as he pulled you to a hug. “Nothing will change. We are not even sure if I am going to make it on the first week of training. There will be others who are exceptional.”

“You will make it. I know you will. You are already amazing as you are now. Imagine what you will become after a proper training.”

“None of these will change, Y/N. I promise you. You will still have me, your best friend.”

The two of you did not say another word after that. You stayed inside Youngbin’s arms; afraid that if you let go of him now, you will never get the chance to hold him again. You will not hold him on that promise because you know, even now, that he will not be able to fulfill it. You just have to learn how to brace yourself when that time comes. To accept the drastic change, may it be painful or not.

For now, you vow to yourself that you would spend as much time as you can with Youngbin. You will make memories with him. Share moments with him. So that when he leaves you for his dream, you will have memories that you can keep.

Two weeks after that night, you were waving your hands to the departing train that took Youngbin to Seoul.

-0-0-0-0-0-

** _Few months after…_ **

Today is one of those days when Youngbin just wants to go home. His clothes are already inside his bag. All he has to do now is storm outside, head to the train station and he will be on his way to see you.

He is thankful that there are still a few things stopping him from doing so.

Every time his body moves for a dance, the music enveloping him, he felt so much freedom. Rapping makes him feel like he can express everything, anything, and the world will know of all the emotions he keeps inside of himself. His dream is more than just getting famous. He doesn't care if he gets famous as long as he can touch hearts through his dance. The idea of starting a career in the entertainment industry soon is daunting him to no end but he wants to push through and try it out. Whether he gets to debut or not after, he will not think about that now. He wants to do it because he does not want to live a life with regrets and with so many questions as to why he did not try.

Training is hell, to say the least. Youngbin, Taeyang, Inseong and Jaeyoon started their training together. They were part of the members who would form the first boy dance group of the agency. That was enough pressure as it already is. However, the agency has another plan for them. They decided to put them through a survival program. They will battle against another group and the winning team will get the chance to debut first.

The pressure was so overwhelming. On top of that, the group decided to make him as the leader. He feels proud and honored. However, it was taking a toll on him. Now that they are close to the final battle, Youngbin is on the verge of finally calling it quits.

Apparently, his patience is something that he needs to work on whenever you are not around. A week ago, he snapped at Hwiyoung – one of their youngest members – during practice that made the younger one cry. Youngbin is one hell of a perfectionist and the pressure getting on to him was not helping at all. He was able to patch things up with Hwiyoung, though. It tears him apart that he has no choice but to be adamant on his members’ training. It pains him how they put so much trust and respect on him when he feels that he is just as lacking.

Amidst all these, Youngbin only wants to be with you.

He badly missed those times when he was tired after a long day in the council, planning for an event, and he would go straight to you. He missed sitting beside you after the exams. He missed drinking banana milk and eating kimbap with you. He missed being productive with you. He missed procrastinating with you.

You always seem to know the right words to say to him whenever he feels like snapping. How you manage to rein in his storms is still beyond him. You can temper down his flames. You can fire up his coldness.

After a few months away from you, Youngbin finally admitted to himself that he is in love with you. He needs to be near you, not because you calm him down, but because he wants to be with you. He wants to be near where his heart is. Funny how he kept on denying how he feels even to himself when Inseong nagged him to no end about it. His friend is too observant for his own good. Inseong even told him to confess to you before leaving for Seoul. Youngbin did not, though. Back then, he knew you are important to him. He knew that he could not imagine life without you but it was not enough to name it “love”. However, when he arrived in Seoul, no longer feeling your presence beside him, everything fell into place. He is in love with you.

And so, that was what spurred Youngbin until now. He vowed to continue working hard on training despite the gnawing feeling that your absence has brought him. Once everything is over, he will finally make his way back to you.

You will still be there, right? 

-0-0-0-0-0-

** _[Y/N’s] Three years after…_ **

You lost your best friend and the man you love.

That day when Youngbin left for Seoul, you told yourself that you would accept anything that will happen with a light heart. However, it was so difficult, painful, almost crippling.

A month or so in training, you and Youngbin were still able to catch up through phone calls at midnight or in the wee hours of the morning. You have sacrificed sleep because talking to Youngbin became more essential than sleep. He kept updating you on the ins and outs of his training life. You have memorized his training schedule like the back of your hands. When they started competing on that survival show for a chance to debut, the phone calls and messages from Youngbin became lesser. You understood, though. The fact that you can still see him on television and somehow still get updates about him got you by. Seeing him healthy made you happy. When his group won the survival battle, you had to restrain yourself not to host a victory party in your hometown. Even though you missed him badly, his triumph was a win for you, too. It made you happy that his dream is finally coming true.

Your heart got badly broken a week after their debut when you saw that all your pictures and those pictures with you and Youngbin in it are no longer in his SNS profiles. You sent him a message about it. It took him a week to get back to you. He informed you that your presence in his SNS profiles caused a stir and he has no choice but to delete all your photos together. He told you it was also for your own good. That he did that to protect you. You tried to understand him but it did not lessen the brunt of what happened. Few weeks after that, Youngbin deactivated all his SNS accounts.

You could never forget that one summer when Youngbin’s father got ill. He did not inform you that he will be visiting his family but you got a call from his mom. She told you that Youngbin is home. You were out for a business trip but you immediately took the ride going back home because you miss him badly and you just have to see him. You have not even reached the gate when his manager told you that it is not wise for people, even those who know the two of you, to see you together. Therefore, you did not get the chance to see Youngbin that day.

The change that you feared so much before was happening inevitably.

The daily conversation and phone calls between the two of you lessen and lessen until those became close to non-existent. It took a year of waiting before both of you got the chance to spend time together again. Well, you cannot really call it “spending time” but at least you got the chance to talk. Youngbin was home for Chuseok, then.

_ “Y/N, are you home now?” He said in a phone call. “Can we perhaps see each other?” _

_ You reined in the loud beating of your heart. “I just got home from the temple. You can drop by if you want.” _

_ “Okay, I will see you, then.” _

_ You did not have to wait long because Youngbin immediately made his way to your house. It took a while before the two of you were left alone to talk because your family congratulated him and his group’s rise to popularity. All the time, you were just looking at them. When they finally let the two of you be, you led Youngbin to the back garden of your house. _

_ “How are you, Y/N?” _

_ It pains you how awkward he sounded. He is your best friend. He is not supposed to be this awkward around you. The distance has really left a gaping hole between the two of you. _

_ “I told you everything will change.” You saw how Youngbin turned to look at you. “I told you nothing will be the same again.” _

_ Youngbin took your hands, like he always did. Strange how it did not do anything to comfort you now. “Y/N, I am sorry. This distance – I know this is all my fault. The company has restrictions. I know that should not stop me but, Y/N, I am so close.” He was looking at you with so much desperation and longing. Your stomach was in tight knot when he continued. “Do you want me to give this all up and return to you, Y/N?” _

_ Your eyes widen. He would give up everything for you? He can’t be serious now, can he? _

_ You reached out to touch his face - like you usually do whenever you feel that Youngbin is going through a lot. Just like before, Youngbin moved closer and leaned in to your touch. “Your dream is my dream, too, Youngbin-a. How can I let you give that up?” _

_ He reached out and cocooned you in his arms, burying his face in the crook of your neck. “But I want to dream with you, Y/N. I want to share this with you because you matter to me more than this dream does. Despite all that I did, would you believe me if I tell you that I am in love with you? Because I am, Y/N. I am in love with you. Can we stop pretending now? Can we just tell each other that we missed being together because we love each other - not as friends but more than that? You feel the same way for me, right? If you tell me to give these all up, Y/N, I will do it. I will do it without batting an eye.” _

_ Your eyes brimmed with tears as you stroke Youngbin’s back to comfort him. “Like what I said, your dream is also my dream. How can I let the man I love give up his passion for his craft? I admit that this is hard. Really hard. But I will be with you through all these, Youngbin-a. So go back there and make me proud. Make us all proud.” _

_ Youngbin left the next day - leaving a chaste kiss on your lips. A promise that no matter what happens, the two of you will see this through. Despite the brief reunion, your heart gained strength to continue loving him in distance. After all, Youngbin loves you, too. _

It has been two years since that day. Two years since you promised Youngbin that you will stay with him no matter what. It was a futile promise. You should have known by then. Considering the separate lives that both you and Youngbin are living, the separation was something you should have expected. 

It did not take long before your relationship with Youngbin surfaced on paparazzi sites and articles. His group’s fans are the nicest but most members of the media are not. Old pictures of you and Youngbin went viral online and it took a lot of effort from his agency to put those all down. It even reached a point when your father has to take you to and from work just to make sure that you arrive and leave home safely. In one of the boys’ press conferences, Youngbin was not able to escape the question thrown at him by the media about you. To not cause further uproar, his manager went down to your hometown that night and told you that the best thing you can do to support Youngbin is to let him go. So you did. 

That same day after you spoke with his manager, you called Youngbin and asked him to just end things between the two of you. He did not asked you why. His tone blank. As if he was expecting it to happen. What you did tore you to pieces. It was so painful but it has to be done. You can never destroy something that he has worked hard for. 

Your phone vibrated with a notification from one of your SNS account, taking you back to the present. Upon checking the notification, you saw it was from the boys’ fan club account. The schedule for 빈,us is now up. You could not help the sad smile that appeared on your lips. This has been your life for the past two years. For the past two years after you remove yourself from Youngbin’s life. You spent most of your time as his fan - as a Fantasy. You went to fan meetings, concerts and any fan events - always situating yourself where you can see him, but where he cannot see you. Fan meetings gave you the chance to meet Youngbin but you just went and never go up where he’s sitting with the members. Even all those, your all time favourite were the Monday evenings when Youngbin usually schedules his weekly segment of 빈,us - his very own show where he broadcasts himself while reading Fantasy’s concerns and giving his thoughts and advice about those. You always feel proud seeing how he connects with his fans. You feel elated whenever you see articles and posts about him being a charismatic leader. Because he is. Despite the screen and time zones separating him from his fans in Korea and around the globe, nobody can deny the fact that Youngbin emanates so much love for them. Seeing how he is now and what he has become somehow lessen the regret that you have been feeling when you let him go. 

When you open your phone, Youngbin’s broadcast was about to start. You could not help but smile when you saw the number of hearts - 3 million - even before the broadcast started. Fantasy are really the best. 

As if you lost all faculty of senses, your hand reached to clutch the front of your shirt when Youngbin sat in front of the camera and greeted everybody. After a week of so much stress because of work and because of the never-ending turmoil of your own emotions, you felt yourself relax and lulled by his voice. 빈,us is your weekly dose of healing; a day and time where you feel most close to him. 

_ “Fantasy, really. You are all amazing. Thank you so much! Manager-nim told us that the tickets for Seoul concert are all sold out. We are preparing well for you so that we can give you the best stages so please wait for us and let’s all meet soon.” _

You glanced at the ticket on your bedside table. When you bought that a few weeks ago, your best friend told you that you are nothing but a masochist; that you are suicidal. But since that day in junior high school, when you stood beside Kim Youngbin, you vowed that you will support him on everything and anything that he will do. And so you have and will always do. You picked up the ticket - the concert ticket for UNIXERSE Seoul. 

-0-0-0-0-0-

** _[Youngbin’s] 3 years after… UNIXERSE Seoul D-DAY_ **

The world would take someone precious away from you, almost making it impossible for you to survive. The world, also, lets people into your life and they would eventually become your world. 

Youngbin had that bittersweet realization when he lost you but found Fantasy at the same time. He lost a big part of himself yet, he found people who would fill in a part of him that would never be filled by anybody else.

From the dressing room where he is now, he could hear the loud cheer of his beloved Fantasy from the outside. One by one, they started filling in the venue, taking their places with smiles plastered on their faces. He and the members prepared a lot for this concert since this is the kick-off for their Asia Tour. Despite all those preparations, Youngbin’s nerves are getting the best of him. He wants to give nothing but the best to Fantasy who have been loving and supporting them since day one.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Jaeyoon tapped his shoulder. 

“Hyung, someone is here for you.” The younger one gestured towards the dressing room door. “She is waiting for you outside.”

“Huh? Who is it?”

Jaeyoon gave him a sad smile which confused him even more. “It’s best if you would just go and meet her, hyung.”

Her? He had already met his family earlier today when they dropped by the dressing room to cheer and congratulate him and the members. Could it be that his nuna forgot something? 

On his way outside, Youngbin saw Hwiyoung untangling the wires of his in-ear piece. His little brother looked so out of it that he almost stop to check on him before heading outside. It pains Youngbin that he could not do anything for Hwiyoung’s broken heart. Brave of him to assume that he can help Hwiyoung out when his own heart breaks everytime he remembers you. Ironic how Hwiyoung is in the same boat as he has been few years ago. 

Reaching the door, Youngbin looked up and froze in his place. How could he not when you are there, standing in front of him? 

His eyes must be playing tricks on him. It has been years since he last saw you; years since he last spoke with you. The only reminder that you once existed in his life were the constant ache in his heart whenever he remembers your name. His best friend. His beloved. So how come you are here now, standing in front of him? He is too afraid to move. Too afraid that he is seeing a mirage, that you are standing there because his mind conjured you. He misses you like hell, that’s for sure. 

You are holding a fan slogan with his name on it, their group’s official light stick and a bouquet of pink and white roses. Youngbin could really swear that he is just imagining you. 

“Hello, Youngbin-a.”

A painful sound tore from his throat as he took large steps towards you and immediately took you in his arms. He felt you wrapped your arms around him. At that moment, he could swear that he is finally, finally home. Everything faded into the background. All sounds became muted. He could only feel your warmth, he is only aware of your scent, constricting his heart to the point of pain. 

He no longer cared about the time and place. He will not let you go. Not anymore and not this time. If it was not for Jaeyoon who must have stepped out to check on him, Youngbin would not have let you go. 

“Hyung, if you need more time to talk with Y/N, do it now. We still have an hour and thirty minutes before the concert will start.” He pointed to the open door leading to the stairwell. “Go there. I will keep watch. Manager-nim went out to buy food for us.” 

He was about to grab your hand when you stepped back, one hand out to stop him. 

You smiled. One that did not reach your eyes. Yes, Youngbin notice that. He fucking noticed that so he does not understand why you are doing this. 

“I… I just want to congratulate you and the rest.” You gave him the flowers. He did not made any move to accept it so Jaeyoon stepped in and took the bouquet from you. Your smile faltered even more. Good. It is good to know that this is painful for you as much as it is for him. 

“Jaeyoon, leave us.” 

“But hyung…”

“Go and see to it that the members are ready.” 

He could feel that Jaeyoon still wants to protest. The only thing that must have stopped him from doing so is the tone of Youngbin’s voice. It was the voice of their leader. The voice that he rarely uses. The last time he did was few months ago when he delivered the news about the rumor that stirred up because of Hwiyoung’s closeness to one of their staff. After that day, his little brother opted to keep things to himself and ended up in seclusion inside his music studio. Youngbin hates it when he is left with no choice but to use that tone of voice to his members. But he needs to be alone with you. He needs to set things straight with you. It has been long overdue. 

“Why did you come here, Y/N?”

He saw you took a deep breath. Under the slogan that you are holding, you took out a white envelope. “I hope this will explain everything.”

He took the letter with so much resentment in his heart. “You think this would explain everything? These pieces of paper, Y/N?”

“Your manager did not leave to buy food for everybody, Youngbin. He is just on the other side of this hallway. I asked him to give me time to talk to you but I know it will not be enough.”

You stepped closer to him and reached out to place his hand on your cheek. He felt you leaned into his touch as tears swelled from your eyes. “Youngbin-a, despite everything that happened, I want you to know that I have regretted every single day that I am not with you. I made a mistake and I am so sorry for hurting you. You do not deserve the pain that I have caused you. I am so sorry.”

Youngbin held your hand when you stepped back. Not yet. You would not leave him with just that, would you? His heart breaking on the sight of you clutching the light stick to your chest as if your life depends on it. As if it is the only thing that is anchoring you to this world. “That letter contains all the things I could not tell you now. The things I should have told you before. I am not asking you to forgive me. I know this is shameless of me but I want you to please read the letter.” 

Both of you looked up when you heard someone cleared his throat - manager-nim. Your time is up. 

It took all his willpower for him not to drop on his knees when you took his hand and kissed it. Without looking back at him, you run outside, away from the backstage, away from him. 

_ Youngbin-a~ _

_ I love you. _

_ I think I should let you know that before anything else. I have been given thousands of chances for me to say those words to you but I have foolishly let those go. I should have told you that time when you saved me and my bad hair. I should have told you those afternoons we spent in you family room while watching movies. I should have told you that I am in love with you that’s why I asked to braid your hair that day before my birthday. I should have kiss you and confess to you that night when you took my hands and waltzed me for my birthday dance. I should have told you that I love you and the thought that you will leave for Seoul to become an idol that day scared me like no other. _

_ Now, I regret every single bit of those moments that I wasted. It was bold and foolish of me to assume that you will be with me forever - that you will stay even if I would not make any move for you to do so. Because I know that if I told you how I really feel, you would have stayed. You would have given up your dream for me. _

_ Your dreams are one of those things that I could not... would not want to take away from you. I told you they are my dreams too, remember? But, that does not give me an excuse of why I hurt you. I should have done better. You mean the world to me, Youngbin-a. Knowing that, all these time, I have been hurting the man I love is something that I have and will always regret. _

_ I wish life would give you all the beautiful things that you deserve. I pray that you will never lose your genuine laugh. I pray that the people you are with now will stay with you forever. I know they will because it is impossible not to love you. _

_ I will keep on supporting you from afar. Do not think of me anymore. Do not think of the girl who did not fight for you. I gave you up too easily, Youngbin. I am so sorry. _

_ Goodbye. _

An hour after, Youngbin and the rest of the boys set the stage on fire with their performances and solo stages. He bared himself and poured his heart out during the encore - to Fantasy, to you. This will be the last time that he will think of you. He swears it. His entire being just refused to accept the words that you put in that letter. It did not make any sense. None of it does. It did not make any sense when you let him go. It did not make any sense when you did not do anything to fight for him when all he wants is to fight with you. You stepped up without considering how he feels. No amount of words, nor any written or uttered apologies, would make him understand why you have easily let him go. 


End file.
